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These are techniques to help you deal with your own defensiveness so that you can make use of criticism when it is offered to you.
Listen carefully. Don't interrupt or discourage the person.
Think about what has been said. Do you understand why the person feels the way they do?
Ask for specifics if the statement is general. "Can you tell me what I do or say that makes me appear so aggressive to you?
Let the other person know that you have heard and understood what they have said, whether you agree with it or not.
Paraphase the criticism in your own words.
Empathizing with the Criticism is helpful for understanding the other person's viewpoint and reducing defensiveness: "I can see how my statement could make you feel upset."
Ask what you could do differently in the future if you are not sure. Be sure you know why their suggestion would be better.
If not sure, ask for time to think about it. "That's heavy. I need a moment to think about it." Do this whenever you need to (but don't use it as an escape hatch).
Questions to ask yourself:
Am I being asked to change something I am capable of changing?
Am I willing to work at changing it?
What is true in what the person is saying? What is not true?
What are the consequences of changing and of not changing?
Don't deny it.
Agree with the truth in the statement. "I find certain things you say to be quite true."
Agree with the odds. "I suppose there is a chance of having an accident."
Agree in principle. "I guess I do lose my temper a little too easily.
If nothing else, agree that the criticism is their perception. "I can see that you see me as domineering."
If you agree and are willing to make changes, say so.
Apologize if appropriate but don't beg forgiveness.
Then try to change the situation and enlist the other person's help if you want.
If you disagree with the criticism, say so and explain the situation as you see it.
Maintain an open atmosphere and try to problem-solve a solution that meets both your needs.
Get a third party to help if necessary.
This resource last updated: May 14, 2002
Database Information:
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Publisher: CES National |